Underemployed

I'm so liking the state of being unemployed--at least the pay is regular! For many years I ran my own software consulting business and did pretty well until the accident. What happens after an accident is that your energies slowly erode and everything becomes so much harder, even day-to-day living. Just going to work at all is a project. At first you think that it will get better after the cast comes off, but then you still can't put weight on your leg. After another couple of months the current contract ends and you start to look for more work. But you can't get a job if you are on crutches. Try it, you'll see.

Having the appearance of disability makes you invisible to the world. If I went out with my son, people directed their comments to him and not to me. I have sat in the wheelchair and seen people race me to the grocery store door, only to slam it in my face. They woudn't do it if I was able-bodied. If I did manage to get to the door first folks would literally leap over my wheelchair to beat me inside. And I never knew how difficult it would be to get work in my field from a position of weakness.

So I ended up spending my savings to survive, then after losing current referrals I went back to work making 1/3 less than I was used to making. Again, in the software business you are only as good as your most recent referral and you need three months worth of operating capital while you wait for clients to pay you. I was supporting three teenage kids at the time, I cut back everywhere I could. Even when I made over $100k a year, I bought about $300 worth of clothing at K-Mart or Walmart each year. The basics, really. Between mortgage and taxes I was eaten alive by the system, IMO. I wish I had known then what I know now. I'd have been living in the van instead of a house.

I somehow lucked out with two clients who absolutely needed me to produce work for them when they cracked the whip, but was in the position where paying me was not their top priority as it was mine. I actually got the point with both of them that I could literally say "I can't afford to work for you anymore." I couldn't pay my housing, my electric bill, business insurance, or even gas for my car. I was also waiting desperately for a resolution to my accident case so I might keep up a semblance of normal living with a car, phone, and a reasonable place to live. I lost it all with a vengeance! I had to deal with one client bouncing a 10,000 check to me and found this out while on the first vacation I'd had in 6 years--a cheap vacation that only cost me the gas and the food, as I camped out on the beach at Assateague with my beau, the closest I ever got to a soul mate in my life. I still love him and think about him everyday, but with my lousy luck with finances and life, it isn't going to happen.

Which brings me to the current state of affairs. I ended up giving up my house, which had been in the midst of DIY renovations when I got hurt, so it wasn't immediately sellable. It had a lien on it from my medical insurance carrier, thanks to an idiot attorney who mishandled the entire case. But I took it like a woman and I got rid of everything I owned that I didn't need, took a temp job, and rented a room from a friend who needed help with finances and her clutter. I paid cash for a $2000 car and continued to convert my trash to cash using Ebay and flea markets. I worked at hiking and camping so I'd be physically fit and ready for anything. I needed my confidence back. After a year of temping as a data analyst I decided to try to get a real job in IT again. I'm a .NET Architect and a SQL Server DBA. I went back to an old consulting company and ended up getting a contract-to-perm job immediately, and the hourly rate was ok. I interviewed on Friday morning and was working on Monday. It was to be my last hope for a chance to be normal again, not facing the potential prospect of living on the edge of society out of my car, or worse.

The new job was an interesting challenge and used all my skills with C++ and C#. I worked with realtime server software that communicated with specialized hardware and with a .NET Windows application that used remoting and events to pass messages across domains. Everyone praised my efforts and stated that I was a total godsend to the project--literally four developers rolled into one. I was offered the job of Director of Software Engineering. It would have been a wonderful opportunity if not for the fact that the company was sold and it turns out the product had never made a profit in over 12 years. WTF? If not for bad luck I'd have no luck at all. At one point the CFO tried to strong-arm me into taking that permanent job to save the company money on the contract rate. I had already decided the first month of the contract to just take my contract money and run after I saw the shenanigans going on. The lying, the backstabbing, not to mention the employee checks bouncing because of not getting paid. The hardware was broken and nobody knew why. I stayed on contract, thank-you-very-much! I saved my money, continued to sell off my excess crap, and just outwaited and outwitted him. I ended up working on contract for 8 months, which is better pay than as a full-time employee. After they started bouncing checks to the agency and then ignored the bills I was formally released from work. And unemployment was there ready to help break my fall. I didn't think I was eligible and hadn't planned on trying to get it, but they contacted me. As it turns out, being 50 and unemployed opens up a world of assistance I never knew existed. So this college educated uber-software engineer is on the dole. $2080 a month is not too shabby--my expenses are only $800 at the moment. I have about $1000 a month in other income, and can double that if I concentrate on Ebay. Heck, I can make up to $208 a week at McDonald's if I want to, in addition to the UE. I'm not too shy or vain to work.

The lesson I think I'm supposed to get out of all of this is that I'm not supposed to have a job, or a normal life to be successful. OK! I get it! Yes, my life is totally an alternative lifestyle that has nothing to do with gender or normalcy. I'd give anything to have a life where I wake up with my soul mate and have a cup of coffee as we encourage each other and look forward to more good things in life. But the odds of that every happening now are ludicrous to consider. My only alternative that I can see is to run way and live in a van down by the river.

Sometimes I think that if only I could have in my hands all at once all the money that is due to me right this minute, I could turn it all around. Before the accident I was saving money to invest in one of my own software ideas. That idea is now about 7 years too old, so I need a new plan that is at least doable. But at the same time I'm struggling physically and now I'm struggling emotionally. I'm not sure what to do next so I'm doing nothing except marking time. As my son pointed out, I probably need the break.

He knows that for the past 23-24 years of his life, his mom has been the head-of-household, chief breadwinner, and the queen of making every second count. Regimented, over-scheduled, and overwhelmed, I have had three or more jobs at one time, finished college, worked like a dog, started a business, bought a house, and juggled everybodies' schedules and met their needs. I'm a testament to what *can* be done. I kept it up until years after "the accident." To take total responsibility for the place where I am now, I made the decision to give it all up. The van down by the river actually sounds pretty good to me now. I want to drink beer and chase women. I should have plenty of time to do that when I'm living in a van down by the river. Thanks, Chris Farley! We loved you!