Honesty

The last time I employed Honesty in my relationship with Brutus I told him I couldn't do this anymore. That was a year ago. Then I took up with Rocky for awhile until I couldn't do *that* anymore either. So one booty call lead to another and Brutus and I pretended to have a relationship again but I think we are both just marking time. The truth is that I'm afraid to meet someone who is real because then I won't be able to leave. So I will have to make a decision soon if I want to live my dream and live real. You'd have to know about my childhood and my young adult experiences to really understand how an attractive and capable 50 year old woman has come to this point. That is fodder for "the book", not for "the blog". You'd have to know more about child abuse and a cat person who was "raised by wolves". Oh, Goddess! I sound tragic and I don't want to be tragic. LOL

OK, the reality is that I'm marking time. I am not doing what I want to do because I always seem to be living in some limbo state between what it is and what I want it to be. This time is the last time to make it real or I might as well die of old age with nothing that I want. So. I will be real from here on out. Not another minute of pretend happiness.

Yes, I could have clutched onto a lifetime of normalcy and anything I do now is due to my nature, my nature to reject normalcy. Normalcy to me is equal to torture, abuse, and suffering. I'm only suffering today because I'm still clinging to normalcy with Brutus. He's coming home soon. I need to talk to him one last time.