Really Doing It!

Today and most of yesterday was a lost cause. But that's ok! The whole idea of being unemployed and soon to be a van dweller is to be a Human Being, not a Human Doing. I had so much going on with phone calls from everybody--when it rains, it poors. I only just starting the packing and organizing phase of my van dwelling life-to-be. It looks like I might be able to hit the road very soon. I am going to stay in the King of Prussia area until after our birthday, Dawg and I. Last year we were 72. This year we will be 74. Yes, my son was born on my birthday. It's a long-running joke between us regarding "our age". We add it together. For some reason it is always an even number. The first year "we" were 28 and zero. The second year 29 and one. Now we should be 51 and 23. There will be 74 candles on the cake this year.
That makes me happy.

But still I've been feeling sorry for myself--just for a couple of hours yesterday. Then I got a call from someone with much worse problems. That has a tendency to make me get over it. I certainly would have felt guilty whinging if I'd have kept it up. I only whinged for about five minutes today. It is ok to be human, really. Just don't dwell on it for too long at a time. Wah, wah...

It all comes back to choice. I decided to give up the house about three years ago. But having crawled up the ladder of "success" only to have jumped off of it due to circumstances, it still hurts. I watch the home shows and remember the plans I had for painting and decorating, and that makes me so sad. Truly, I don't want a house anymore. The conundrum is admitting that I DID choose to leave the idea of a house and permanent home behind, and to accept that choice that I made. After the accident, when I was struggling to get my old normal life back, I would drive to work and it was a 90 minute drive. I would be so exhausted when I got to work that I would lay in the back of my truck until it was time to go in, and I would just cry. I wish that the me of today could have patted the me of yesterday on the head and whisper "you don't have to live like that another day". I wish I had the foresight and courage to put a stop to the "getting and spending" right then. It was too much. You don't see it until it is impossible to go on. What a waste of precious resources.

I watched House tonight, finished today's posting, it's time for bed, oops, I mean futon...LOL