I am spending a very relaxing morning at my current roommate situation, because she is in Texas visiting her daughter, and I'm doing laundry and getting ready for my hiking trip. She still hasn't unpacked and the house is an unbelievable mess, but I try to ignore it. Anyway, I alternate between here, the old man's house. and organizing all my paperwork and family photos at my son's house. Life now is all about playing trivia and rekindling/dousing a dying romance with an old beau. All in all, I'm simply marking time. My work here in Pennsylvania is essentially done. I've raised the boys, they are off and running and living their lives. I have a new dream, and by golly I'm going to live it!
I say all this because I'm working on my plan to simplify my life and live on the road for a bit. In the course of the planning, I am looking over websites and blogs by folks who seem to already be living the life. Something I read this morning struck a serious cord with me. It's the deal with friendships that suck the life out of us, whether with men or women. I'm going to be 51 very soon, and it has taken me this long to get a perspective on that. On one hand I am a caregiver and only feel valuable when caregiving, and I'm starting to get why that is. Unfortunately it seems to have a zero rate of return for the amount of energy expended. Up until a few days ago I was ignoring my own plans in life in order to "rescue" my former roommate (I'll call her "Little Bird") from her life of chaos and clutter. In fact I had already moved out of there several months ago because it was sucking the life out of me to live in the midst of the madness. I had already cleared a four bedroom house of my own clutter, and was working on the storage room (which is done!), and now have only paperwork and memorabilia to finish purging, sorting, and electronically storing. I can't clear the world's clutter, too! LOL
The old roommate is a few years older than me, and has fibromyalgia and a long list of issues that include obesity, diabetes, restless leg syndrome, and more. She claims that she can't clear her own clutter and chaos because of this, and that I am her only friend who even cares. Heck, I'm the only one allowed inside to see the mess piled up in every square inch of the house. You cannot imagine the conditions. Food and trash routinely pile up in the kitchen, so that you can't get anything out of the fridge or cupboards and certainly can't prepare a healthy meal if your life depended upon it. Paper of every sort is allowed to accumulate at least an inch deep on the floor of the main living area. Boxes and packaging materials are saved forever, and QVC makes daily deliveries, so there is always more to throw on the floor. And the theory that disability makes it impossible to be clean and organized is disproved by the numerous shopping trips to bring more into the house. Hey, I'm far from perfect myself, but I try to stay true to myself. I was disabled, too--yet I'm trying every day to get back on my feet and stay there. I simply ignored the clutter and mess for quite awhile, until I heard her repeated cries for help. So, I thought I was helping.
I spent most of the past two weeks getting ready for a blowout yard sale at her house in order to make it easier to move the clutter that has any value OUT. She hired two young girls to do the heavy lifting (16 & 14), and they put their all into it, poor kids. So did I--we were exhausted after two days of selling. I took 3 hours on Sunday morning before the crowds arrived and tried to put the kitchen into some kind of order, and cooked a very nutritious and tasty meal before having "the talk" with my friend that evening. I know Rome wasn't built in a day! I tried to suggest taking the newfound clearness in the kitchen and making it SACRED! As in "don't clutter it up again!". I have a clear vision of a very doable task of keeping the kitchen cooking area clean and extending it about two feet a day until it extends to the rest of the house. But alas, it was not to be.
I have another two weeks where I have to stay in Pennsylvania, to get expert medical reports done for my accident case before planning my trip to Missouri. So I planned to make Little Bird my "project" before moving on. I cut short a productive day for myself to head over to her house for a night of cleaning & clearing. When I got there she was visiting a neighbor who was drinking beer and smoking, things Little Bird despises, yet she seemed to be comfortable with this. I visited a spell, and decided to unload my overnight gear and foodstuffs. As soon as I walked into the kitchen my heart sank. All my hard work was tossed into the trashcan. A pity that the crap in the kitchen hadn't been tossed into the trashcan. It only took her four days to trash the place. Food, bags, trash, dishes, all piled hither and thither! Tears came to my eyes and I realized that no amount of my personal energy was going to change things for Little Bird. Within a few minutes I loaded my little car, said goodbye, and left with a huge sigh of relief. I gave myself permission to focus strictly on my own requirements.
Was this a cold decision or sane decision? I think it was sanity that prevailed. You simply cannot fix another human being. That's probably what causes most welfare programs to fail. When you help people, you prevent them from learning to help themselves. I will always provide food and shelter if someone needs it to survive and if I have it to give. I will give directions, when asked. I will not pass judgment, not even on Little Bird. As a wise man once told me, people do exactly what they want to do, no matter what they say about it. To help someone, I need to see first that they will help themselves. Little Bird can always call me and ask me to help with a specific task, that lasts no more than 60 minutes. But I will not try to fix her or anyone else again. You heard it here! It would be nice to have her as a friend, however I learned another lesson--some friendships simply cost too much.
Now that sanity prevailed, I'm going to use my Blog to keep myself on track. The goal is to enjoy a long hike in Georgia with the old man before it gets to hot, then hopefully a trip in a used van to visit a dear friend in Missouri that will also test out the notion of van dwelling. If anything, the van will be my bedroom and office on wheels. I tested out the idea in a truck, but that was only to sleep overnight. The van is to be the ultimate tent for a wheeled backpacking adventure. To get there I will stay on task. Today I'm finishing up laundry and heading over to Nathan's to work on paperwork. We got seriously behind in the paperwork department and need to sort, purge, file, and handle everything. They say the paperwork tiger is the hardest to handle, I agree with "them". I hate paperwork!
When the paperwork is done I have some ideas for more charm bracelets to put up on my Ebay store. Over the years I developed a miniature jewelry making hobby into something that generates income, as much or as little as I want. If I spend time listing, things sell. It takes time to list, trust me! Anyway, as I gathered miniature charms and findings for this hobby, I accumulated a whole lot of larger charms & beads. I've made a few charm bracelets, those luscious, chunky ones full of nostalgia and kitsch! Everybody seems to love them, and I got offers at the yard sale. These are the kind of items that sell for the most money when you have hundred's of them on display at a flea market, or as specialty items on Ebay. So my goal is to make six bracelet & earring sets a day and list them in the Ebay store. When I go out to Missouri I'll make them available to the world. The store format costs 6 cents a listing, while making them available to the world costs about a dollar. After adding Ebay & Paypal fees, it costs you about $2.00 to sell one $20 item. So we sellers add that to the Shipping & Handling so we don't get soaked. I have learned this the hard way.
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