Ten Days Later

Just a couple of ordinary days has past. I've been working hard on the software contract and put in a hefty invoice yesterday. Some political b.s. got in the way of getting things done, but that too shall pass. My attorney called me with instructions to stay by my cell phone on Monday--some sort of settlement conference with a judge. ROFL. That's not going to happen. Lawsuits are a PITA.

I took my friend Marie to a birthday lunch yesterday, then came home and puked my guts out. We ate at a place called "Cooking from scratch". I should have known. I'm a vegan and a frugivore and all they had on the menu was Southern fried stuff. I got the fried okra, cole slaw, and green beans. The fried okra may have been fried in lard, one sniff told me not to eat it. The green beans had a slice of pork in it--I gave it to Marie. The cole slaw was not delicious and hindsight tells me it was a bit off. I ordered the onion rings because I was hungry and the side dishes weren't up to par, and that was after making sure they fried them in vegetable oil, at least. They were OK. But I'm not used to bad eating nowadays. I popped the whole lunch within a few hours. I woke up today feeling a little better. I'm sipping a cool herbal tea and will baby the tummy for a few more hours.

The usual morning routine sets in, though I plan to read a couple of chapters on C# to get my head wrapped back around delegates, handlers, callbacks, sockets, and threads. When I design something I always have a handle on all that. This weekend I have to remediate a project that was poorly designed by someone who was still new at the job. I'm trying to understand what that last genious did so I can make surgically precise corrections.

Then I do all my personal stuff first, because you should always start your day dressed all the way to your shoes. It prevents obstacles to progress later in the day and you should always put on your own oxygen mask first. For me, personal stuff includes good eating, good grooming, good exercise, and good meditation. Chores are next, so they don't hang over your head...all the animal care, housework, remedial cleaning. With the boring stuff out of the way, I then concentrate on anything to do with immediate money, making jewelry to fill eBay orders, listing new jewelry, wrapping items to mail, then sending invoices or following up on past invoices for the software business. Then I get any errands out of the way. By 10:00 am I'm at work on my projects where I can get 8 hours of work done in about 5 hours. Then the rest of the day is mine.

So there won't be much posting here until I hear something significant about the lawsuit, the work, or the van. The van is being scheduled for basic work next week. I hope they only keep it for a few days. Henry is due for some basic preventative maintenance, mechanicl work that we may identify, new generator and electrical system, roof vents, and a discussion on who might be best qualified to prep the inside for real living. I'm popping $4000-$5000 for the first bit of work, it may be a lot less. I'm expecting engine work and perhaps a new transmission. I've got another $2500 ready for extensive work. The body and chassis is in excellent condition, but it may have had some hard driving in the past. I don't want to be a van dweller who finds out in a remote corner of Georgia that I have to put my house in a shop for a week. The backup plan for that is preventative maintenance and mechanical work now, plus a small trailer which will be used for storing my items if the van is getting repairs. I could camp out in a tent, or spend cash on a motel room. I have to have Henry back within a few weeks because I'm traveling to a few places for work, then I'm heading back to Pennsylvania to get my stuff.

Today, I'm just going to chill out.

This is the life!

To think that just a year ago I was worried about getting my own place to live and downsizing so that I could afford to work less and play more. I struggled with my situation, made lists, schemed, and prayed for miracles. But what finally helped me in the end was just doing it. I worked at a job I didn't like, saved money, got out of "the job", went on unemployment, and just did it. I took a few detours along the way because we humans are like that sometimes. The safe and familiar is more dear, and the promise of better circumstances can be quite a lure. I thought I had a "real job" waiting for me, but that did fall through. It is HARD to change, one of the most difficult things that we can do. You have to be willing to throw your hat into the wide open ring and just do it.

So I did it. After a few painful months of downsizing, I was able to put all my interminable boxes of stuff into a small storage room, load up a tiny Ford Escort with the stuff I considered my most basic requirements, and then I hit the road. Yes, I had a real destination, but it was just a stop to allow me to execute the rest of my plan. I spent my savings on a used Sprinter van which is mechanically sound. Without modifications it serves as a bedroom and kitchenette on wheels. I've already used it for camping, for retiring to after a night of babysitting, and for accessing my jewelry supplies and tools to keep up an online business. I've even gotten back into the software contracting business, also from out of my van. I still have a room in a tiny trailer I share with an old friend. Our goal was to downsize both of us in preparation for an early retirement--two old birds giving each other a hand. But she got sidetracked by her own life and we are essentially keeping up two places between us. Until her son gets out of prison, she's stuck with her grandsons and in her current job.

So I'm rattling around the little trailer, the RV I like to call it. It's a good thing, because it would take a lot of diesel or even propane to keep Henry the van warm right now. We got a hard freeze last night and I tried to sleep in the van, but it was just too hard to function. I think my tv froze and my feet definitely froze in spite of two pair of socks and my thermals. The problem with the van as it is with the bare metal and no real insulation is that it was probably colder inside than outside. The plan has always been to get the van outfitted more like a real home inside, but that does take time and money. Realistically, if I had to live in the van full-time as it is, I'd be farther south by now. Or, parked at a friend's house. But then I'd be spending my spare time insulating. Now I'm working on the practical matter of completing work on the software contract to get some money to stashed. And because it makes more sense to stay in the RV and be comfortable I've been working on winterizing the RV.

Winterizing, you say? Oh, yes. All over the country, wherever it might get cold, poor folks are gathering newspaper, plastic bags, duct tape, staples, nails, and hammers, even old blankets, old sheets, old mattresses, old pillows, you name it, all for valiant attempts to seal up the holes that run rampant in older homes and trailers. I've even lived in a fairly new condo in New Jersey where I would swear that the wind was whistling through the drywall, not the cracks, the drywall itself, right through the coating of paint! I nailed quilts to that wall that went up two stories. I also closed the upstairs bedrooms and moved my children down to the dining room where we lived that winter, with their bunk beds and my full-size bed. I moved in the TV and the VCR and the computer and their toys. We wouldn't have been able to financially survive that winter if I hadn't. If you don't know how to winterize, you'd better pay attention now. Sometimes you have to be ruthless and often you have to be creative.

Winterizing the RV is still in progress but I've gotten a lot done. The two air conditioners are covered with heavy plastic and winter grade plastic tape. They are covered both on the outside, around the window openings, and inside. Windows have been covered on the outside with heavy plastic and tape, while I took a lighter plastic and wound it around the screens, reinserted the screens (where there was no storm window to insert), then taped plastic around all that. I left one window in the hallway untaped, in order to get air when needed. Then the doors, oh my, the doors! I think these doors have never seen a gasket or a weather seal, so I cut strips of felt and glued them to the sides, shut the back door and hung four $1.00 quilts found at the thrift store in the recessed opening of the "back door". The front door has a heavy quilt hung in front of it, plus there is a baffle set up with quilts on either side of the opening. It won't be fun getting in and out, but the quilts can be moved out of the way during the day. I set the propane heater on 62, and use a couple of space heaters when I'm awake. Two quilts on the bed and I don't need heaters at night. I even turn the propane heater down to 58. Then you wear sweaters inside, stay dressed in clothes, and keep your socks on. That completes the winterization of a less than cosy place to live.

Still Catching Up

Basically catching my breath and working on the new project. I want to stash as much cash as possible before I go back to Pennsylvania for the Christmas holidays.

Catching up

Now, back to catching up on my postings. Before getting back to the backpacking adventure I want to take a few moments to explain the long gap in between postings. I'd recently signed up with the Red Cross and during the wildfires in California we were involved in helping those displaced. I didn't leave the area but it was pretty busy with collections activities and providing general support to those who did travel. It didn't feel like I did much but the feeling of being part of a group effort was the highlight of the past two weeks. We just hope that those who were displaced will receive the help they need to rebuild their lives.

In between responding to emergencies and working on the latest contract I helped out with babysitting. Brock's boys and a new friend's newborn kept me occupied with not much time to dwell on the fact that my youngest son is going to Iraq next year with his Pennsylvania Army National Guard unit. That's going to weigh heavily on our minds until he's there and we have a whole new set of problems to contemplate. I just hope that the idiots in office give up on this made up war that was dreamed up to line their pockets. The economy is imploding here and I'm sick of the Re-pub-licken party. It's almost time to change my party affiliation but not before I cast a negative vote in the primaries. I hope that many other registered republican voters do the same. Vote for the weakest republican candidate and then at election time vote for ANY Democrat put forward. I hope the independents will do the same at election time. I'd vote independent but its a wasted vote until the bad party is weakened. The only reason "it" got elected the second time is because many of the older folks won't change their vote during the time of war, even if it's a made up war.

Two Nights in the Ozarks

I started this blog entry over a week ago then *things* started to happen faster than I could think about them. Starting from the beginning, the past Saturday and Sunday, over a week ago, were absolutely beautiful. The sky was clear and blue and it was almost too warm. I'm glad that I managed to fit in two overnights out in the wilds of the Ozarks because it's going to get cold.

So I joined a group of local backpackers and we met up at UMR (University of Missouri) around noon and worked out the travel arrangements. This adventure was relatively stationary. We had permission to hike and execute a LNT (leave no trace) camp out in a local national park. While milling around I let several folks look at my "camping" arrangement inside Henry, my van. I alluded to "living out of" the van, but most folks don't catch on to that concept. It's still shady to appear to live out of a vehicle, much less IN it. When I have the modifications done to make Henry look more like an RV inside, then I'll press the idea forward, the idea of living out of a vehicle as a normal option for people to embrace. I'm not hiding it but for casual acquaintances I'm not advertising it just yet.

I'm still amazed at how much STUFF most backpackers think makes a great adventure. To me less has always been more. One older fellow tried to explain to me that my tiny pack was not going to cover two days of backpacking and camping out in the Ozarks. I just smiled mysteriously and asked him if I could snuggle up with him if I found myself in dire straits. He blushed appropriately and changed the subject. I do a lot with a 12 pound lumbar pack and he didn't bother to ask me what my plan was, he just did a typical rush to judgment. Actually I was overpacked for two days out. I do carry over a pound in my tummy pack, plus I carry stuff on my trekking poles, and more stuff in my pockets, so my total weight becomes 125 pounds of me and about 16-18 pounds of my "stuff." But I try to carry NOTHING on my shoulders. That's my weak spot. But compare my 15% body weight sized packing to those 40-70 pound condo packs and you can see why they are so concerned for me. What they don't know is that I can and I have camped out for over a week in the Pike's Peak area of Colorado with nothing more than the contents of a tummy pack. In other words, I have a full amount of survival gear in the tummy pack, and can live for a week on it because that's the training I've received. Lightweight backpacking is not for the average hiker, you need to understand how to survive on basically nothing then surviving on ten pounds of gear is a luxury!

Anyway, the trip was as much fun as backpacking. I like the time spent traveling in a vehicle, having a cup of coffee and a little camaraderie, and transitioning into the new space and attitude. I'm funny that way, for me its the journey not the destination. I took the older gentleman because Henry doesn't have seats for more than the driver and one passenger. He angled himself in position to travel with me. At that point I figured he was either feeling protective or attracted, and possibly curious about my plans for backpacking in the Ozarks with a tiny little lumbar pack. It took both of us to get his condo pack into the van and he still didn't "get it." There is a major rift between condo packers and ultralight packers and the former thinks the latter is just plain crazy and that we don't know how to survive. We had a good conversation, starting with packing for the wilderness. He was still worried about me.

So it started with "Don't you need a tent?" Since he didn't "see" a tent he assumed, I mean presumed that I didn't have a shelter at all. I told him I have a Hennessy Hammock and two tarps that weigh a total of two pounds for the entire setup. "Oh...well what will you sleep in, where's your sleeping bag?" Well, my sleep system doesn't have to be a "sleeping bag" though sometimes it is. For this trip my sleep system was thermals under flannels with two pair of socks and a woolen hat, inside a silk bag, with a bivvy sack backup depending upon the temperature, total weight of five pounds for the extra clothes, silk bag, and el cheapo bivvy sack. "Oh, I'd like to see that, but how are you going to cook?" Well that's pretty easy, my Esbit wing stove is 3 ounces, the six tablets are about 4 ounces, the fire starter is maybe 2 ounces, and the titanium pot is about 6 ounces. I'd say my entire "cooking" system including plastic utensils is less than a pound, and that includes a large folded sheet of heavy duty aluminum foil that can be used as a windscreen or to make a bigger pot. The Esbit fuel tablets are only for backup because the wingstove can use any found fuel, deadfall and twigs on the forest floor. So that takes me up to seven pounds. After that I had a pound of water handling stuff, two pounds of water, a pound of food, and a pound of personal stuff. I weighed it, twelve pounds and I was overpacked! That set the tone for this backpacking adventure.

We got to the parking lot and everybody met in a circle and defined the parameters of the trip. The two leaders were very organized and gave each of us small maps of the area and directions on getting in and out. Then we loaded ourselves up. I strapped on the tummy pack, then the lumbar pack, then grabbed my trekking poles and lccked up the van. I turned around and saw several straining faces as the guys did impossible acrobatic movements to toss those packs on their backs. I tried so hard not to laugh, but my body was quivering in mirth. I'm bad! There were two additional women in the group made up mostly of young fellows from the college. The women were fairly serious and they turned out to be a couple. One carried the tent and the other carried the cooking equipment, so they weren't loaded down too badly. Fit and athletic women can usually fit into a smaller tent, smaller sleeping bags, and can regulate body temperature better. Menopausal women, like me, can sleep in sub-zero weather and open the tent a notch to get some fresh air and that's like no problem. I don't get too many hot flashes thanks to my vegan diet, but I do notice that I really appreciate air conditioning like never before. In any case, I'm of the belief that we women have a leg up when it comes to survival under most any circumstances.

We hiked about six miles to the campsite, which wasn't too bad. A bit hilly, but nothing like the third class scrambles in Rocksylvania on the Appalachian Trail. It took us about two hours to get to the spot and set up camp. There was some friendly competition for good tent spots, and I hung back and let them fight it out. Then I went into a stand of trees and put up the hammock and added the two tarps on each side in a diamond formation. That served as a wind break and a privacy screen. I made sure I had a big rock and a log for comfort while cooking and eating. I hung my packs on the ridge line inside my hammock, which has it's own rainfly. Altogether it was a very cozy, lightweight, quick to set up system. I've spent years working it all out. There was water nearby so I opened up the collapsible pail and brought water to my site for later. We all met in the relative middle of the camp and had some lunch. I cheated with lunch and had a tofu salad pita sandwich with fresh broccoli, alfalfa, and mung beans, dehydrated onions, and one whole tomato. That never tasted so good before. There's something about a hike on one of the last days of autumn that makes everything you eat taste wonderful. And so it went.

Hiking is about planning, provisioning, preparing, and then hiking, eating, eliminating, and sleeping. Your whole world is simplified to the point where you are only thinking about your physical needs and the outside world is far away. No matter what is going on in the outside world, your world is simple and free.

Hiking Day

It was nippy last night in the van. I was snuggled into my bed and had cats trying to snuggle into me most of the night. Henry the van is not set up with heating other than from the regular vehicle heater. The thought of having a remote start to periodically heat up the van crossed my mind more than once throughout the night. I've had that before on the Expedition and used it when camping out or sleeping in parking lots away from home. But we managed. I slept great until about 5 am. No amount of lazing in bed was going to induce sleep again so I bit the bullet and got dressed. That was the hard part! I'm sleeping in thermals next time which should make it easier to get up.

Well I'm dressed now and have some hot chocolate next to me. The laptop is where it's supposed to be, on my lap, and the cats are snuggling up to my feet. I hear the two competing coyote families yipping to each other in the big field beside the big trailer. I wonder how I should manage hiking in coyote country? That's on the agenda for some research before I go hiking with the local college group today. I have bear spray and bear bells on my trekking poles, but I'm hoping to learn that coyotes never try to contact humans during the day. Bears aren't supposed to but lately I'm noticing that the bears don't read the same manuals that I read. I'm still looking forward to the hike and hope that some of the senior members of the group are armed with local lore. There is a renouned ecologist on this hike, a woman older than I, so I expect to learn a lot today. I'm particularly interested in local foods.

In a bit I'll have some coffee with Marie and wish the boys good luck with soccer, then I'm heading over to the RV to drop off Spike and Skyler. They did well in the van but I don't want to leave them in it for two days. When I travel I plan to leave the kitty boys with Marie. Hopefully, I'll have the van set up as an RV before I do extensive traveling so that I can leave the cats while working or hiking.

I love Henry

Henry is the best boyfriend I've ever had. He performs all the functions of a man and best of all requires very little care in return. Henry carries my worldy possessions for me by day and envelopes me in his warm embrace at night. He provides me with security in a hostile world. Becauses he's an older model, but a top-of-the-line model of his day, he commands respect. I have no fear of running afoul of societal mores with Henry's companionship. This means that Henry, my van, doesn't look like a derelict family of drug-crazed hippies lives inside. Henry looks like a modestly successful locksmith's van. Hmmmmm, I wonder if I should look into becoming a locksmith?

Van dwelling is fun now that I have Henry, but backpacking is even more fun--that's my true passion. This weekend is a backpacking weekend. I plan to look for a puppy to raise as my hiking companion, for those places that Henry cannot go. Soon...the way this week has gone I haven't had time to shop for anything. In between getting the van cleaned up and unpacked, the laundry done, and starting a new IT project so I've been digging into the Y2K rations, which are still good. My Y2K solution consisted of sprouting seeds, beans, and dried foods like corn, onions, and spices. I've kept up with that shopping, roughly twice a year, and have rotated my stock so everything is still less than two years old, while most is less than six months old.

I found that I need far less kidney beans than first envisioned. They are too much work, what with soaking, rinsing, and pressure cooking. I far prefer chick peas. Sprouted chick pea hummus is simply fabulous. It's possible to make it without using electricity, and that's a bonus. I just use a pastry cutter, that twisted set of metal blades used to "cut in" butter into a pie dough. Of course you have to sprout the chick peas first, then blanch them for a minute in hot water. Then cut into the two-three cups of sprouted chick peas a couple of lemons or limes juiced, a few tablespoons of sesame oil, and either peanut butter or tahini (sesame seed butter). Sometimes I use whatever nuts I have handy and crush them mercilessly before adding them into the hummus. After the basic hummus is fairly smooth other things can be added, like garlic, or cilantro, or other similar savory things. Once you have hummus you have a highly nutritious food and healthy food, deliciously prepared, that goes well with any type of vegetable crudite. I like eating foods as close to nature as possible, without much cooking. So hummus is a big deal when so much prep time and hot water go into it. It's still delicious and definitely far more nutritious and healthy than anything that is cooked to death.

With that being said, today's repast was as raw as I could make it while running out of fresh produce. I had been spending most of this week babysitting at the big trailer and sleeping in my van in the yard (you can hardly call it a driveway). I got up this morning and after making a cup of oolong tea I fired up the laptop to get a little work in. For some reason my groggy brain was able to quickly solve the highest priority issue in about 5 minutes, which involved 1 hour and fifty-five minutes of testing after ten seconds of typing. The problem was estimated to take 40 hours so I'm about 38 hours ahead. Being a fairly fair consultant I think I'll bill just 12 hours. The guys would bill the entire 40. I guess they can live with themselves, but I don't have to. I fixed a few other problems, too. That means I'm ahead on next week's billing. Since the big boys want estimates to measure the results I'll work to the estimates. Duh! I think the secret to being able to solve technical issues quickly is to purposefully ask my subconscious mind to work on the problem before I go to sleep. In nearly all cases of doing this I wake up with "the answer".

With "work" out of the way I grabbed my morning basket, the basket that holds clean undies and some frivolous toiletries, and ran inside to take care of some daily grooming needs. I "can" clean up inside the van but I don't have to. I live "out of" my van, not "in it". After the cleanup I located the last of the produce and did some food processing with the knife and cutting board. Everything's a salsa. Chop tomatoes, onions, and cilantro, then add some sprouts, and you've got salsa! Use a spoon and a couple of carrot sticks along with some hummus and you have dinner! I made enough salsa to last for at least two days. I'm hitting the farmer's market in Rolla first thing Saturday morning and that should take care of my food needs for the week. I expect to spend less than $10 for a week's supply of fresh produce.

Preparation for hiking this weekend is done. My lumbar pack is set, and it contains everything needed for an overnight camp out. Strapped to that is my fleece bedroll, my Hennessey Hammock, and an inflatable mat. I have a three-season system that weighs less than 12 pounds including water. At first I left out the inflatable mat and just used a combination of silk liner, fleece sleeping bag, and an emergency bivvy sack to mix and match a sleeping system suitable for the weather conditions. But in the hammock there is still a problem with one's backside getting chilled. So the self-inflating mat makes a nicer barrier as a well as a firmer sleeping surface. I can also use the mat for sitting or napping along the way. In ultra-lightweight backpacking, multiple uses are mandatory for any item in the kit. My lumbar pack has room for the heavy stuff in the bottom and also has a top part that has shoulder straps. Here is a review I did a while back: Kelty Lumbar Pack. Yes, I'm seriously into backpacking the ultra-light way.

Henry's Camping Adventure

Well, that was a blast! I took a primitive campsite last Wednesday through this morning, during the Old Ironwork's Day celebrations at Maramec Springs. A bit pricey but heck, I'm making the big bucks again. With the van, a regular tent, and a screen tent, I was set up for a little bit of entertaining over the weekend, in case anyone brought the boys out to visit. Though I was looking forward to a little bit of solitude, that might have been too much to expect during a celebration week.

I parked the van Wednesday afternoon and explored for several hours, expecting to come back to a quiet evening in the van with my cuddly cat, hot chocolate, and a good book. Instead, I found a new Rolla friend at my campsite setting up a barbeque with a group of her local biker friends. By biker friends, I mean professionals by day, bikers by nights and weekends. It WAS at least a low-stress way of meeting members of the local police force and fire departments. There was definitely a dead carcass cookout going on and I found several willing helpers who put the tents up for me. They even brought some beer and wine, and picnic fixin's. I never did get the solitude I was looking for, but it was a lot of fun. A bit more of a party atmosphere than I expected, but I'm usually up for a good party, as a real Gemini's Gemini (Sun and moon in Gemini). Yes, I believe in it. The Zodiac does not lie!

On Sunday I hitched a ride to a Universalist Unitarian meeting (on a Harley), and I'm glad I did. The presentation was by the group, "Engineers Without Borders". I'm now thinking about joining because it would be a mitzvah to help bring the internet to a remote village in South America. I'm still trying to decide how to implement my mission in life, and I actually dread trying to help the homeless in America. At least I'd be working on relatively the same continent if I went the route of Engineers Without Borders, and it would be only 2 trips a year with the rest of the time spent here. I'd still be able to work with the homeless. What really interested me was the primitive engineeering solutions for water and waste handling, which I think I can put into practice on my own land in the US someday.

Well, the guy who brought me also attended the fellowship meeting and now I think I have a "beau". There is that tendency when the girl rider is wrapped tightly around the guy driving 80 mph down I-44. It's just a normal response to the situation. He hung around me the rest of the day and I had to boot him out of the van before the park closed last night. I didn't give him my cell phone number, but Bonnie did. He's left three messages since last night. I think if he were closer to my age he'd understand how to be a little smoother with the approach. I'm tempted to go out with him but am leary of his "campaign" approach. He's a fireman and has a small business, so hopefully he won't have a lot of time to stalk me. I think I will be nice and return one call, thank him for the ride, and plead a busy week to get out of any dates this week. I do have to get started on a new IT contract and don't need the distractions. Hey, I'm old and I'm not going anywhere. If it is meant to be it will happen.

Henry did well for this camping adventure. The nice part was that I didn't need to pack at all. Everything I needed was already in place inside, only a stop for gas and groceries was required. The blankets on the sides of the interior gave plenty of insulation against the rapidly cooling Missouri days and nights. I let a couple of the ladies stay overnight in the van with me and we managed fine. The men and dogs stayed in the tent, of course. I like dogs and men ok, but they bring funny odors with them. Skyler the cat was the only boy sleeping with me over the weekend. His big adventure was sneaking out to explore the campsite. He got a load of the dogs in the area and decided to perch on the driver's seat instead, which got some sun and warmth. I think living fulltime in a van with a cat shouldn't be a problem until it gets too hot, then I would need to stay somewhere with more conveniences.

I'm home now and will do the cleanup and equipment maintenance before I go take the boys to soccer practice. Hopefully I can snatch a nap in the back of the van while the little brother does his homework. I have a big pile of laundry to do in the Rubbermaid bucket this afternoon, to be dried when I take them back to the big trailer. I'm still living in the RV sized trailer while my friend takes care of her grandchildren in the big trailer. I'm able to be the "soccer mom" and supervise them in the evenings so they aren't alone.

The laundry solution I came up with for van dwelling has been working out well for me. Normally I'd invest an hour of my time at a laundromat, but if it's too cold to contemplate leaving the RV, washing clothes at home is a viable option. The hardest part is agitating the water and wringing out the clothes. I've done it strictly by hand and it's taken days for sopping wet jeans and sweatshirts to dry and my hands ached. My tiny paws were meant for easy work like hand sewing and typing, really. So I bought a commercial size Rubbermaid mop bucket that holds up to thirty gallons of water, though I can do a complete wash with ten gallons--three to wash, and eight to rinse. To "agitate" I bought a new toilet pluner, the black kind made of soft, snag-free rubber. On the mop bucket, the built-in wringer is a flat press style that easily presses most of the water out of the clothes. Inside the van or a tub enclosure, I use a spring pressure mounted bar for a preliminary hanging of the clothes until I either get them to a dryer or hang them on a line outside. With regular clothes line rope I used snap hooks attached to each end to fashion a portable clothes line that can be set up in flexible configurations wherever I can find trees or parts to hook them from. I'll probably set up an awning system on the van one day, so I don't have to harm a tree to dry my clothes.

It takes me about fifteen minutes to wash and hang four days worth of laundry. I'm fast and follow the old fashioned rules--start with extremely hot water and wash the whites (sheets & towels), the stinkies (socks & undies), the pants, and the shirts last. Then dump the water and rinse in the same order, wringing and hanging as I go. A pre-soak, then a detergent scrub with a stiff bristled brush works well on tire tracks, if you know what I mean. My friend Marie has a washboard she's going to dig up for me, and I think it will help with working on any stains. I think my laundry is coming out better now that I use the new system. You tend to put laundry in and not inspect it for hard to treat stains until they are dried into the fabric and it is too late.

Well, enough lunch and lollygagging, it's time to get busy...

Henry's First Picnic

Columbus Day brought some great community events and we attended all of them, Henry and I. I didn't locate a TV or antenna but I also didn't look very hard. I may just do more research and buy the best antenna I can find on the Internet and be done with that. A flat screen TV that can double as a computer monitor is probably a good way to go for the television. For my line of work I will need to travel with a server as well as a laptop. In the spirit of ultra-lightweight backpacking, each item in the "kit" has to serve more than one purpose. Although, I do have dreams of laying in a hammock outside my van watching Bear Grylls take his clothes off on my portable TV. We all have dreams. Maybe I can rig up a movable monitor that can hang outside occasionally.

The picnic at the Lion's Club park was fun. I was able to enjoy myself outdoors then take a nap when I felt like it. Nobody was offended and my new extended family thought it was a great idea, having a camper van. They are at a socioeconomic level where being homeless isn't an issue since Section 8 housing is always an option. It's hard to explain to them that I like being independent of government help and I'm willing to work hard to make that happen. I took all four boys on a hike around the biking trails and we kept up a good pace for several hours. The oldest boys, 10 and 12 years of age, had the hardest time keeping up. Little Sean, at the age of three, was able to easily outrun me. I counted on his fear of the woods to keep him in my sights and that worked fine.

These boys are not used to being outside except to go to school or errands. The first time I made the older boys "play" outside brought on tears that broke my heart. I grabbed some spoons and cups, scissors, washcloths, and a few GI Joe toys, and I sat with them by a big oak tree and taught them how to play. We dug out forts and a big pond, then furnished the fort with washcloths cut to size for bedrolls and other primitive needs. I pulled my favorite Backpacking Barbie's out and showed them how we could enjoy pretending that the dolls were camping out. You know my Barbie's are well outfitted with the best equipment, including tents, sleeping bags, picnic tables, and cooking items. The kids were amazed at all these "toys" and I got to share, from a grandma's perspective, the joy of imagination. It was a great time for me, even though my Barbie collection is simply a hobby in my old age. Out of this time outside the boys are learning how to play again, cooperatively and happily.

They are at risk due to a father in prison and a mother with psychiatric problems. I keep forgetting that the simplest things in life are foreign to them. They have never had anything of their own that wasn't lost in an eviction. Every conversation they have is about lack of money and lack of necessities. I guess I was brought to them to teach them about the joys of simplicity and the responsibility we all have to conserve our own resources. I was a single mother with two sons and a foster son and we may have been homeless once but the kids had no idea. Our belongings were in storage and we were packed for a camping trip. In my world, we don't discuss any lack of money with kids, that's called "poor mouthing", but we do reinforce the idea of a budget and conserving resources wisely by shopping carefully and properly preparing foods and using leftovers. I think the positive approach is better than the negative approach characterized by "poor mouthing". That is the practice of constantly stating one is poor or in poverty. I've been broke but I've never been poor.

Starlight Through the Trees

Living out of a van is a few inches closer to nature, like the starlight through the trees makes the stars seem closer, sleeping in the back of a van brings all the sounds of the woods inside. Gee, I can't sleep past 5:00 am anymore! I had to get up and explore the sounds of morning in Missouri.

We still have the little trailer in the RV park, but my BFF Marie is now staying in the big trailer with Brock's kids until he gets released from prison on parole. She plans to take the trailer int he RV park when he comes out and gets on his feet. I can stay in either trailer, but have chosen to set up my living arrangements in the van. This is the real deal and not just practice because it was always my intention to live out of the van. I say "live out of" not "live in" because a vehicle should not define my life. My life is outside of the vehicle and within the vast space defined by my two ears. I am the cat who walks by myself and all places are alike to me. Though I can be tempted inside for amusement and companionship at times.

The Cat that Walked by Himself
by Rudyard Kipling

"HEAR and attend and listen; for this befell and behappened and became and was, O my Best Beloved, when the Tame animals were wild. The Dog was wild, and the Horse was wild, and the Cow was wild, and the Sheep was wild, and the Pig was wild--as wild as wild could be--and they walked in the Wet Wild Woods by their wild lones. But the wildest of all the wild animals was the Cat. He walked by himself, and all places were alike to him."

So, living out of the van means this to me, that everywhere I go my necessaries are nearby without being so numerous that I'm encumbered. It is a rolling closet, with a chest of clothes, a tub of jewelry making supplies, healthy foods, my indoor garden, all the electronic gadgets that an engineer dreams of, and a private place to lay my head. It means that when I get the call to explore the Grand Canyon I can just drive there, stopping to work when I feel the urge and stopping to explore at every opportunity. It means that when my next grandchild is born I can drive there and spend days or weeks without packing or planning. I could have been doing all of these things before the van, but the van makes it simpler and simplicity is the key. I am tired of lists of chores and lists of bills and lists of to do's. I want to be a human being and not a human doing.

Now that the shakedown cruise is done I'm planning to add a good deployable antenna and a small television, probably today if I can find these things at a good price. I guess I'm addicted to the tube because I didn't get to watch Survivor Man or Man vs Wild last weekend and was at a loss. No wonder I jumped at the chance to go sightseeing with strangers without having to unpark the van at my campsite. At some point after some planned van modifications are done I will look into satellite TV.

The planned modifications are: diesel generator, solar panels, batteries, electrical system, rooftop vents, heating & air conditioning, finishing the interior and adding cabinets. I'm only doing the interior and cabinets in order to make the environment more like a home rather than a warehouse. I should take a cue from my friend Marie and use hanging fabrics that can be removed for laundering. Heck, that's were I got the front partition curtains because she's a thrift store fabric aficionado and has tubs and tubs of fabric. I should turn her loose in the van. But I only have a few short weeks before the van goes in for modifications. I'm trying to get the best local RV mechanic on the project and he's jammed up with work right now. I'm buying the items needed and basically am just getting ready.

I have the urge to go camping today but some old business needs attending before I get busy on a new IT contract and there is a picnic to attend later. I think today is a holiday. When you no longer have kids in school you tend to forget the miscellaneous public holidays. Yes I babysit kids who attend school but I'm oblivious to the finer details of their school schedule.

Time Flies in the Cloud Forest

In the cloud forest, time has no meaning. You cannot see the sun, though you can see when it is completely dark. You begin to see the "not sun" and the "not moon" and in those places where you see not you begin to see all. Perhaps that's why monasteries are so often found among the clouds. Places of meditation and purity. That's what you find in a cloud forest.

I took some time lately to do a few earthly things on my list and just came out of the clouds of the Ozarks after a shakedown cruise for the new van. After a very intense and busy period I realized I hadn't updated my blog in over a month. There were some compeling reasons, but those are now behind me. It turns out that my former "crazy roommate" decided that my moving out would be her impetus to getting out of her abusive relationship with her bigamist husband. That stirred up a hornet's nest with him because the D.A. is involved now to deal with the bigamy issue. He did not go quietly and there were a lot of threats and some cyber-stalking. So I took the time to change my blog address and will cleanse the blog of information related to location, names, and anything else necessary to achieve privacy as I re-post former entries. I'm not really afraid of him but I do guard my sanity, what's left of it. I don't need to have to deal with him or her situation any longer. I've also made changes in the amount of time I spend on the Marie and Brock issue with the four children and non-existent parenting. It is so easy to be sucked in and I can be a sucker for animals, friends, and kids. This latest journey of mine was about getting my own life back and I feel like I have it again.

Now for the great news. The new van is a 2002 Sprinter Van with the Turbo diesel engine. I once had a purple Ford Windstar we all called "Barney", and now the new van is called "Henry". I picked him up at an auction in St. Louis for $7000. He may need a new transmission in a few years, but I budgeted for that. My overall budget was $15,000 for a good quality, current century, cargo style van that would be comfortable to live out of and travel in. In keeping with the spirit of simplicity that I strive for in life, this van is simply a shell with a driver and a passenger seat in the front and a partition between the driving compartment and the cargo area. It came with shelves and a toolbox in the back which I've already sold on Ebay.

It is now stripped bare in the back and has an area rug over a plywood "floor", hanging fabric panels over insulation, and some plastic drawers and cabinets attached to the partitions. I put up a double curtain between the partition and opening to the driving area. The inside curtain is a pretty pattern with colors I enjoy. I decided to put up a set of plain white, well lined curtains that are visible through the front windows. The white seems to blend in naturally and seems to be less of a signal that the van might be occupied. It just looks like a workman's cargo van that is closed off in the front. I think that a black curtain might be more of a tip off to security folks. There are no windows in the cargo area, and I checked that you can't see any light leaking from the cargo area in the dark for stealth camping.

In the shakedown cruise I was well outfitted and came back with a very small list of needs. I took two Ozark full size air mattresses to stack for a normal feeling bed, and a portable vacuum cleaner to use in the reverse to inflate "things", plus all my hiking and camping gear, two five gallon bottles of water with one battery operated pump, a luggable loo, and a pantry. I also took the laptop with the wireless broadband connection card, an inverter, a solar battery charger, a solar shower, a small child's blowup pool, and a privacy tent. The privacy tent is for setting up in a camping situation. These are often set up for use as a privy or a place to stand up and shower. I also tossed in the jewelry making table, chair, and supplies, as well as a pop-up screen tent in case I decided to camp somewhere with icky buggies.

For the first night I just stopped in a truck stop parking lot and used the inverter to plug in the vacuum and inflate the mattresses. The nights are starting to get cool in Missouri, so I had two blankets and fixed up a very nice bed cross-wise against the back doors of the van. The luggable loo came in handy, strapped to the partition behind the driver's seat. I used a Good Sense trash bag (nice smell!) with scented kitty litter inside, the multiple cat household variety, of course! This worked out well with one bag a day for my waste. I hate wasting plastic bags, but this will do for now.

I was pretty tired the first night and just slept. I woke up to the sounds of activity about 4:30 am and decided to get dressed and have my coffee. The Smart Mug takes way too long to make a decent cup of instant coffee, though it is great for keeping the coffee at a drinkable temperature. So I used the Rival "hot pot" to quickly heat some water to almost boiling, plugging it into the inverter. I tuned into the local news with my weather radio and fired up the laptop to check e-mail and such. Things quieted down in the parking lot about 6:00 am so I laid back down for a nap until 9:00 am. Hunger definitely drove me out of bed that time and I decided to make breakfast.

The pantry is attached to the partition behind the passenger seat, right by the door. That was so I could open the door and cook outside if I wished. It consists of a set of four large plastic rubbermaid drawers on the bottom, with a plastic cabinet hanging on top. I used a huge, heavy duty rubber band to ensure the doors stayed closed during travel, which worked fine. I have a laminated board cut to size sitting on top of the plastic drawers to protect them from my appliances. There is even a light attached under the cabinets to make it easier to see, the pop-on battery operated style you can pick up at a flea market for less than a dollar.

I had a hankering for some hash browns and happened to have some in the dehydrated food drawer. I used some of the water in the hot pot to re-hydrate them while I browned some fresh cut onions in a saute pan over a single burner electric stove. At that point I decided it might be a good idea to run the van to ensure the battery wouldn't be drained. It also gave a needed boost of A/C to the rear. It may be cool at night, but it's still summer weather here in Missouri and I wasn't camping with the door open just yet. While the hash browns did their thing in the saute pan I manually juiced two oranges, a lemon, and a tomato that I kept in a pan over ice in a large cooler. That was a mighty fine breakfast for my first day in the Ozarks. It was easy to prepare and easy to clean up. I just wiped the pan clean, stashed the cooled appliances back in the appliance drawer, and wiped down my utensils and cutting board with the lemon rind before doing a final wipe with alcohol. I think the citrus fruit rind helped the loo out, too.

The pantry worked fine during the trip. I guess I've been setting up kitchens and cooking over camp stoves long enough to know what might work the best and I'd put more thought into the van setup. The four drawers are organized so that all the heavy canned and packaged foods are in the bottom drawer. The next to the bottom drawer holds the cooking appliances (electric burner, pans, hot pot, Esbit wing stove, etc. The second drawer holds dishes and utensils for eating, while the top drawer holds all the cooking utensils and cleaning paraphenalia. The cabinet has three shelves and I attached lips to the edges with molding and glue so things won't slide out. The bottom shelf has my Biosta sprouters with room for six sprouted crops in rotation. That shelf also contains teas, coffee, Stevia (natural sweetener), hot chocolate, snacks, sea salt and spices. The middle shelf contains oils, condiments, seeds, and nuts, while the top shelf contains paper products and general items. In the middle shelf I also house a dishpan and dishtowels. The hardest part was getting to the water bottles easily. I should probably strap the water bottles behind the driver's partition and move the luggable loo to another location. Decisions, decisions! Anyway, things worked out well.

I got on the road and arrived at my intended destination in time for lunch. I got settled into my reserved campsite in Battle of Athens state park and met my neighbors who invited me over for a barbeque. I grabbed my portabella mushrooms and a squash, a couple of beers, and my lounge chair and had a very enjoyable afternoon that lead to a couple of more beers and an early night. Sometime during the barbeque I made a salad with tomatoes, vidalia onions, tofu, shredded carrots, shredded cabbage, and a bunch of fresh sprouts, including mung beans, alfalfa, and broccoli. For a dressing I juiced six lemons and mixed the juice with grapeseed oil, fresh herbs I grow myself, and some Celtic sea salt. I made this huge salad in my new dishpan and even after sharing the ingredients list with my neighbors that salad disappeared almost before I could get some. That salad plus my grilled squash and portabellas is a meal memory that I'll treasure. No matter that I ran out of fresh produce because it was worth it. I ended up going on a trip with my neighbors the next morning and we stopped for groceries on the way home. It's funny how you can go camping alone and end up meeting people anyway.

Because I'm still helping out with the boys I only stayed out for three nights and days, and had to head home Monday this week to take Dee Dee to soccer practice at 5:30. I stretched my weekend out as long as I could.

People

People are funny and fortunately they are fun to interact with mostly. After a good start to the day then a bad middle somewhere around the bend of good intentions the afternoon turned out to be enjoyable. My landlord in the RV/trailer park is a delightful woman in her seventies, from the UK originally. Since her husband died she now handles the park, does most of the maintenance, and keeps up on all the appropriate gossip. I paid the rent early and left a note about some issues, one the light over the stove has a short, and the other was that we needed a mailbox key. She came right over in her toy cart and we had a nice visit. We discussed the finer points of dealing with adult children who have come home to roost with their chicks. More on that later. We will be getting a new light over the stove but she brought a clip-on light in the meantime. And the door that had previously been torn from its hinges will be replaced with an accordion door. She loved what we did with the place and is indeed a sheltered island away from the storm over at Brock's trailer that is so full of disfunction and chaos. We get along famously, we old ships of the sea. Like Ma Joad said in The Grapes of Wrath, men they live their lives in jerks while we women experience life as a flowing river. Sometimes its deep and treacherous and sometimes its calm and peaceful. I'm having to jerk some peace back for myself after dealing with Brock today.

To set the story up, of course I'm always right. Once that's decided then we will get along famously. All kidding aside, when I'm forking over time, energy, and money, yes I'm always right. This week his mother was in tears and we are both sick over how shabbily he is taking care of things. He got a job at Wally World when he first got out of jail when I bailed him out on a $2500 bond. He didn't get all four children dumped on him until a few months afterward. I've been doing all the babysitting which has turned out to be only about three days a week. He uses any excuse to miss work and it falls on his mother to take up the financial slack. Every time I see him the fist is opened palm up requesting money. Of course we don't want to see him lose his job or for the kids to go without birthdays and back to school supplies. But I'm tired of sitting in the trailer babysitting and catching calls from bill collectors for things that were not needed. We cannot affort fancy rental TV's and video game systems. We are tired of subsidizing a life he just cannot afford. We are sick of it. SICK OF IT! She wants to throw her hands up and say "screw it!" I thought I was made of sterner stuff and proceeded to try to get him involved in part of the solution, so I called him and requested that we use Friday to take care of things.

Today I picked him up on my last effort to invest more time, energy, and money into the problem. The plan was to get the notarized power of attorney forms done for the kids because we may end up with them if he has to serve out any sentence on his conviction, and next week is the big day where we find out. I took Brock to do his laundry because the washer is now broken. His mother believes this is because he allows all his friends to come to her trailer to do their laundry. She has no plans to fix it. So after that we planned to get a carpet steamer to take care of the nasties in the trailer. There is an issue where he is not on the lease and Mavis doesn't want the landlord to have an excuse to put an end to this nonsense because the trailer is falling to a state of filth and disrepair. Actually, there is no lease, this is the country. But there is common decency and one should keep one's rental property in good condition. Most responsible people know this. But, as I expected, Brock decided to inform me that he wasn't having anything to do with cleaning up the trailer and since he is a grown man he is sure I'll understand that he will be doing his own thing in the trailer while I work at cleaning it. Excuse me! I am not your kitchen mammy. I dropped him off at the trailer with the kids and I'm spending the rest of my time doing my own thing, since I am a grown woman. Can't wait for him to ask me to babysit again. Gee, I'm busy. I'm a grown woman and I have other things to do. I think it's time for another hike. And did I mention that his hoopty car, which belongs to his mother, has died? No? Well, it's on the side of the road and we "we're" going to look into fixing it after the trailer cleaning. But that's not my problem. >^;^<

On the bright side, this is just another life lesson for me. I really need to stop helping people when they ask. Gee, I'm jest too busy. Family is the worst and this youngster is like a son to me. I'm obviously not doing a very good job of being an example to him. My own sons are 27 and 23 and once they turned 22 and finished school I have not had to bail them out of trouble, knock on wood. Brock didn't get the pleasure of graduating from my boot camp for troubled teens.

The question on my mind as I reorganize my life is how far to go to help my family and friends? There have been people who helped me when I needed it and I don't mind being helpful, but surely there is a line to be drawn when it is too much. When is it too much? The decision has been made, it is too much for me. I'm not enjoying this stress at all. I did promise to give him a ride to work and the two smaller children to the sitter tomorrow, and I will. I think I'd like to leave the kids with her and leave Brock to his own devices coming home. He's a grown man. Five miles is no big deal to walk and I'm sure he will get a ride. I have an appointment with my hammock tomorrow night. I feel the urge to wander the woods.

Briock, if you are listening, I was a single mother too. I worked every hour I could and I held on to my money. My kids never had to wonder where they were going to live. Man up! No excuses!

Sheesh!

Pondering the Meaning of Life

The meaning of life is simple, it is just plain fun to live, and breathe, and sleep, and get dirty, and become clean, and have children, and raise them, and have cats, and enjoy them, and to keep one's quests simple. The structure in which you do it can be fun in and of itself. It is a little harder to enjoy life without some kind of structure.



I got this epiphany over the past few weeks as I donated babysitting services to Marie's son Brock (sometimes I facetiously call him "Brain"). He has four young boys, ages 3, 4, 9, and 10. Yeah, I know. What were they doing in those years? Heh, heh. Anyway, the issue is that

Grandma-isms - Rules to Live By

My grandmothers were wise, wild women and left me a legacy of "isms" that I've learned the hard way to ignore at my peril. When you become a grandmother it is your duty and your right to dispense "isms". Here are some words to the wise, and you tell me if they aren't the smartest ideas on the planet today.

1. Never leave your purse unattended. That also goes for anything important to you. If your dollars or cell phone go missing don't say you weren't warned.

2. ALWAYS keep your keys with you. Don't leave them in the car or the house because your kids or grandkids could lock you out, and that is the LEAST of your worries. The only time you should not keep your keys with you is if you are body surfing at Daytona Beach. My dad could explain that one to you. The worst mistake you can make is to leave kids and keys in a car. You could lose everything. I don't leave kids unattended. At gas stations or the post office, they go with.

3. Never give anybody your last dollar (re: bill collectors)

4. When the bill collectors approach, don't pay until you see the whites of their eyes!

5. No money leaves this house!

6. Stash your cash and ditch your trash.

7. Don't build your house in the swamp. This could apply to fault lines and the path of tornadoes, too.

8. If the kids are quiet you'd better investigate. Flour, sugar, syrup, and cake mix dampens noise.

9. Travel light through life, things are not important, people are.

Hey, what can I say? They each raised four children, who raised children, who raised children, who are raising children. Great grandma can't be wrong. I hope I get to see my grandchildren raise children one day.

New Life

The new life is really still the old life only now I'm living quietly and will much less need for material possessions. Mavis and I will still enjoy tracking down bargains to help Brain raise four active boys so we aren't suffering. My wish list is filled only with the plan for buying a good used van to travel and live out of. Most of what I have left is suitable for a mobile life, with easy to transport items.

Check out the pictures of my peaceful room in the tiny trailer I'm sharing with Mavis. I love the warm, rich tones of the old-fashioned wood paneling from the 60's. All of the furniture, bed, bedding, curtains, material, lights, wiring, and appliances were purchased for under $70 in total. The bed is a queensized blow up bed, padded with two comforters for a more bed-like feel. A white student desk and matching set of drawers is covered with a suede look cloth for a quarter, topped with a hutch to make it look more organized. The entertainment center consists of a $5 color tv plus a vcr for $10. A couple of dark pieces of material were used to cover the table with a wood board on top in the alcove. The curtain over the table hides some storage and a large combination printer, copier, scanner, and fax machine. The laptop is wireless, and is handy now when I travel in the area, for staying connected and for writing and creating. I use an inverter to keep the laptop charged while mobile. Yes, that's a dremel on the top shelf of the hutch which I use for making jewelry. It's great for burring, buffing, and drilling. There is a book on edible plants, a big nalgene bottle of water, and a stapler. Generally, I keep most items out of view unless I'm using them







The three light fixture is perfect for making jewelry on the parsons table next to it. I also use the parsons table to set up a light box and take pictures of items I sell on Ebay. It may seem close to the bed, but I use the bed to sit while I'm creating. I can see the entertainment center from that position so I don't have to miss any part of my favorite soap operas (tic). The little table to the right is an end table for the bed plus it is the perfect place to display my jewelry making parts and findings in a pretty set of organizers I got from Jo-Annes s while ago. They are a nice touch because they represent my passion to create jewelry and make me happy to see them. I'll often relax on my bed at night and pick through the parts to come up with ideas for the next day's work. The black shelves are right outside the door, in the hallway. I display things that I enjoy there, plus books I'm currently reading.

The wall behind the bed could use some work. If I'm energetic I may find a nice cloth cover to staple up and make it look nicer. I really don't feel the need to remove the wallpaper to prep and paint, or anything like that. If we are still here in a few months, I'll think about it. We are possibly moving into a slightly larger trailer with two bedrooms that each have their own bathroom. That would be ideal. For now, this is fine. We are both neat and orderly in our habits.

I hung a bright green sheet in the hallway to provide an extension of the room that holds in my AC while giving both of us more privacy. The doors are sliders and they are fine but I thought this would benefit the feng shui. I should have posted a picture of the wonderful built-in closet and drawers. It's like living in an RV. I love it!

Wild Women

From the age of four or five, Marilyn and I ran the neighborhood. We hid in bushes and spied on the neighbors and we knew all the great gossip before it became gossip. We used information and intrinsic coquetry as cash to gain cookies, candy, and above all building supplies. Because there was much more fun to be had in the woods. We allowed some of the other neighborhood children to run with us, both girls and boys. But together or separate we were the alpha females and the undisputed leaders of the pack. She was a loner and I was a loner with devious social skills. We were lean and mean, one a tall goddess and the other a petite wood nymph. We meshed together well and shared a common purpose--utter curiosity and the drive to be the masters of our domain. We were wise, wild women from an early age.

Wild Women are Earth Mothers. Wild Women are untamed and unpredictable. We own our sexuality and you won't see anything other than shampoo, soap, and a toothbrush in our bathrooms. The lotions and pots of makeup are stored away for when we want them. Yes, Wild Women will occasionally dress up like "ladies" or "other-than-ladies", mostly because we can, but that is not the entirety of our consciousness. We were lucky to grow up as a wild women in central Florida, shielded from mass media, knowing nothing of weight and diets, makeup and fashion, and with a small dose of the reality of being targets in a male dominated culture. It was a delightful test tube and we revelled in it, in spite of the hardships of our lives. She lost her father early in life, while I was the cat person raised by wolves. But I am the cat who walks by herself and all places are alike to me.

My fondest memory of our escapades was the taming of the wilderness surrounding us. We lived in a concrete block subdivision of surrounded by "the woods". The woods were a grand forest of towering pines with a low ground cover of vicious blackberry vines and treacherous palmetto's, stretching around us for miles. There were rattlesnakes, coral snakes, a vast assortment of bugs and mosquitoes, plus an array of fruits and benign looking foliage designed to lull the unsuspecting into believing they were safe. But we were children of the woods who were well-schooled in the false pretenses of both the wilderness and civilization.

Beware the blackberry that is actually lantana, a poisonous weed. Beware the poison oak masquerading as a mild bush. Beware the coral snake pretending to be a king snake. Oh, yes the woods can be very, very devious. "Red touching yellow kills a fellow; Red touching black is a friend of Jack" that was our code for deciphering the message in the coloration of a potentially deadly coral snake, and only works decisively in Florida because the coral snake is more devious than most throughout the continent. Lantana has no thorns, so we only ate blackberries from vines with lots of thorns. The more blood on your arms the safer the berry. And we used the Native American method of inoculation against poison ivy. We never got a case of it while running the woods in Florida. It is the reason that folks can get allergy shots today. We believe that the great spirit put the remedy with the problem, in all cases.

So we tamed the woods around us and made hidden paths that went for miles and miles in and around our territory. We built forts high in the pine trees and used them to defend our turf from rivals. There were hardly any disputes because all the kids wanted to be in our group. And you could join the group if you had tools and building supplies, and a willingness to be bold and to build in the clouds. If I could name our tribe today, we'd have been The Children of the Clouds. We rained terror on the lowly children of the woods who came later into our game. Pebbles, water balloons, and noxious substances. Wild Women can be ruthless.

Building supplies? That was simple. We found these things laying about, dumped at the edges of our woods, in back yard piles, and at the new construction sites. We favored large nails, long planks, plywood sheets, and shorter lengths of two by fours. But we used everything. Our dads had hammers and saws, and didn't miss them during the day. We carried water in glass coke bottles with corks we made from sticks when cork was hard to come by--there were no plastic containers available then. We carried nets and forked sticks to catch snakes and other animals, plus boxes and bags to carry them home safely--safely for us, not for the animals. My dad dispatched quite a few of my captured coral snakes before I started carrying the axe with me, which turned out to be great for hacking foliage and cutting firewood as well.

The first venture into an apparently impenetrable forest wall was my idea. Marilyn said she wasn't allowed in the woods, but I hadn't gotten those specific instructions because to my unsuspecting parents it didn't look like any human being could penetrate the sheer volume of foliage, much less one small daughter. One day we were playing in the back yard of her home on the edge of the subdivision. Her step-father had a woodpile behind the house, at the edge of the woods. All the parents were at work and their family's maid was ironing and she never paid attention to us anyway. I got Marilyn to help me grab a board and stand it on its end, right at the edge of the woods. We let go of the board and made a four foot long path directly into the forbidden woods. I scampered to the end and said "let's do it again!" And it was on! We made it at least twenty feet into the woods and included a ninety degree turn to camouflage our efforts. Because it was forbidden, we wise women gathered brush and debris to hide our initial hole into the dense jungle we had started to tame. We must have been about seven years old at the time. Running around the neighborhood was getting old, it was time to run around the woods.

It was the beginning of spring, and it was hot as hell already, but this was central Florida before air conditioning was easily available. It was just as easy to cool down in the creeks as it was to cool down on the concrete floor of a Florida room. TV was black & white and we weren't yet hooked on Dark Shadows, so the ideal situation was born. We were of the age where nobody really cared what we did as long as nothing was broken and we didn't scare the horses. There was no such thing as babysitting for kids in school. In that era, in the sixties, there seemed to be no need. Ted Bundy hadn't set up shop in Gainesville yet, so we were wild and safer wild than tamed in any event. There were a few incidents where we ran into men in the woods, but already being well versed in covert operations from running wild in the neighborhood, it was more fun to be discreet in the woods and watch the men without them knowing about us. We sensed danger from adults anyway, so strangers had to be doubly dangerous. We were very wise women, even then.

The next day we would ordinarily have gone to my house to play as part of our unspoken reciprocity agreement, but being mind readers we hopped off the bus together and went straight to her house. We had three hours to make our way deeper into the woods. This time we prepared a little better and had a definite goal--to find water! Most of Florida is about an inch away from water at any moment and we already knew that if we didn't find a creek we could easily make one by digging a trench. So she carried the shovel and I dragged two planks. We fixed our entrance by setting it back behind a stand of palmetto's so that we could disappear behind it, and we made a place to stack our personal supplies and building materials. We had a fair idea of where the subdivision's drainage creek was located and that is what we set off to find. We didn't make it the second day, but we thought we heard it.

A few more days passed, and it rained a bit, so we went to my house to avert any suspicion over our activities. There we played a rousing game of Risk. "Crush, kill, destroy," that was our motto. We were long past The Game of Life or Monopoly. We rummaged through my father's tools and gathered a few more boards for our next venture. Then on the third day of this new adventure we found the creek. And not only did we find the creek, we found a relatively clean "beach" made of white clay in a cool depression along the sides of the creek. There was a tree down over the creek that made a great bridge, but the creek was only a few feet across at one point, so a few planks of wood solved the problem of carrying our supplies and tools. We made inroads into the woods with only a few planks at a time. As one plank was laid to compress the foliage, we'd trot to the end and lay down the second plank, taking up the first plank to use again. Once the foliage was compressed once, it seemed to stay relatively compressed as we used it as a pathway. At the creek, we eventually stashed three planks for use as a temporary bridge when we needed it.

On the third day we rested in the cool depression, covering our sun browned limbs with white clay as we laid in the shade, plotting our next moves. We were inveterate planners, always thinking several moves ahead, which serves us well to this day. As we lay there in the depression with our knees bent and our feet ankle deep in cool water we both seemed to spy the perfect tree house tree at the same time. We had made the prerequisite inroads into the woods, and it was logical to now build up. How on earth do two young girls build a tree house in a pine tree that has no lower branches whatsoever? We were two young engineers in the making and that part was easy. We needed rope for safety and short two by fours for the ladder, plus a hammer and the biggest nails we could find. Thus the next step of the project began to form.

Within days we had what we needed and it was a Saturday with hours and hours stretching out before us. In our plotting we arranged it so that I stayed overnight at her house. Her step-father went fishing, something we normally would have clamoured to do, but we let him go peacefully. We asked her mother if we could make a picnic lunch and go to the park. Naturally, she said "yes". Carla, the maid, helped us fill a small cooler with ice, four cokes, water, cups, and peanut butter sandwiches. Carla even gave us apples and a bag of Lay's potato chips. She didn't make the sandwiches the way I was used to, with maple syrup, but I wasn't arguing that day. Marilyn's mother and baby sister went shopping and Carla was watching TV. So we plotted how to get our lunch and our supplies to the tree house site as quickly as possible. At first we were going to make it in three or more trips. But mid-morning demonstrated how hot it was going to get. No way was I going to traipse several miles before starting the project, being very eager to begin. I grabbed a tarp from the carport and showed Marilyn a new trick. I was planning to make a travois like I'd read about in a book about the Plains Indians in school, but we managed to stack everything in the tarp, fold it up, and run the rope I brought through the holes to make a tarp sandwich around our stuff, like a hot dog with the ends closed. It didn't take us long to get to the creek pulling our travois behind us.

We organized our stuff, and had part of an early lunch, sharing a coke over two cups jam packed with ice. In Florida, everything is served over ice. It is inconceivable to me to drink a coke from a bottle or a can. It has to be over ice, otherwise it just isn't a coke. And everything's a coke. You order a coke in a restaurant and the waitress will tell you what they've got, sprite, coke, Dr. Pepper, etc. If all they have is Pepsi then you order yourself an ice tea. In Florida, in the south, everything's a coke. That's the way it has always been.

Anyway, after refreshing ourselves with a cold drink of coke (later it would be beer or Mad Dog, but we hadn't gotten to that yet), we worked out the plan. The first day we expected to hammer in short two by four's as ladder rungs to make it up the pine tree trunk to the first sturdy branches. And that is what we did. We quickly learned that one nail just wouldn't do, two is better, and the little engineers in us decided that three nails in a triangular pattern would work the best. When we ran out of two by fours, we used whatever fallen branches we could find. It took us 32 rungs to make it to the first set of sturdy branches, where we sat and looked around our domain, wishing we had our cokes and our lunch with us. Necessity is the not the only mother of invention, so is desire. We were well on our way to making our desires turn into reality. First we tried using the rope and tarp but realized it wasn't long enough, but I remembered my dad using a pulley to draw mysterious things up to the roof when he was working on it. I knew where the pulleys and the rope were stashed and he never was able to locate them again. Marilyn heard my description of his system and she knew what it meant. The idea of building a real tree house was born out of a simple desire to have an ice cold coke high in the tree, overlooking a vast woods filled with mystery and untamed promise.

It took us days to get the pulley system worked out permanently, plus a base set of boards secured, and place to hold our lunch and supplies. We learned to pull out the lowest rungs on the tree and carry them with us because we didn't want anyone to see that there was a path to our fort in the tree. We knew stealth, and we knew the limits of our potential rivals who would only see what they expected to see, not what we had introduced. Within weeks we had walls and a roof, and a stash of water and food. Because of the hardships in our lives we both talked of running away and living in the tree permanently. It was our haven and our dearest desires fulfilled. A safe place, hidden and discreet, far from the veneer of civilization. She had a step-father to dodge sexually, and I had the position of kitchen mammy in my home. We were warriors protecting our souls from the leeches of civilization. That is the way it has always been.

Letting Go

This morning Mavis was awakened around noon by the UPS driver delivering the DSL modem and filters. I was awakened by the smell of her toast burning, so we managed to meet with our cups of coffee in the common area. We watched most of "All My Children", our favorite soap opera. We talked about the process both of us have gone through to let go of the idea that we have to spring out of bed exhausted and attend to a never-ending series of tasks and worry about everything we say or do and the repercussions all day long. Egads! Did we ever really live that way? The life of a single mother is just like that. You are the last to be hired, the first to be let go at work, while statistically being the most reliable employee an employer can acquire. You are beholden to everybody, your kids, your hex, your family, social services, your employers, your landlord, and even the neighbors. I managed it by becoming successful enough to get a secluded house in the burbs, while she gave the boys to her husband and said "good luck to you, my friend." He was retired from the Army and had the time and income to deal with very energetic and conniving pre-teens, while she worked two jobs to get on her feet. We have been through the wringer. I'm so glad I turned my back on the madness, and even forgive myself for sleeping past noon today.

Around 3:00 am last night I was still awake, mainly because I slept until 11:00 am yesterday. I just turned out the lights and rolled over, and proceeded to fantasize a survival scenario until I fell asleep. Now I'm ready to incorporate the fantasy in my book. But first I need to make some jewelry to fill Ebay orders that came in overnight. My little room here in the tiny trailer is very comfortable, but there are a few more things I'd like to acquire to make it more organized. So I'll finish the jewelry and go on some liesurely errands. In fact, I'd like to go play trivia, so I need to look up some places in the area. It's time I make this place my home for awhile. I figure on settling here until my new grandchild is born, and just working as little as possible as I take day trips in the area. First it needs to cool down. It's hot outside!

My expenses now are less than $500 a month, really less. I include $225 for shelter, electric, cable, and DSL, $36 for a life insurance policy, $60 for full coverage on my hoopty car (which is paid for and well-maintained), $70 a month for auto maintenance and fuel, $100 for food, and a little bit for toiletries. That is easily made in a week of selling on Ebay, and all the rest of my income goes into savings for my van and van dwelling plans. Of course I spend more than $500, but that is when I have made extra by selling things I no longer need. I sold a PC software game that I no longer use and am using the $26 I made on that to find materials to block off my alcove to look like an armoire or built-in closet with curtains. It's all about the feng shui of hiding the electronics and the clutter. I like clean lines and bare surfaces. Pictures are coming soon! Oh, and all the materials will either stay while I'm traveling or can be incorporated in my van, one day.

Being

Today was spent merely "being", so I'm officially a Human Being and not a Human Doing anymore. It took a lot of self-searching to change into a Human Being because a Human Doing is very much addicted to being busy and I am really good at busy. Is is very hard to give that up and merely "be". It is all falling into place in my mind regarding a van dweller's life because in my spirit I am already there. It must be the ultra-lightweight backpacker in me, as I schemed and plotted to reduce my base pack. I had to go through the steps where I realized that I can truly survive with what I can carry on my back. Obviously, I'm going to be a Human Doing again, but hopefully this time it will happen because I want it to, not because I feel that is the only way to survive.

Someone reading my blog e-mailed to ask for my Ebay information in order to see my jewelry. I wish I could oblige, but from a privacy and safety standpoint it is better that I keep my business life separate from my on-line journal. I've been trying to e-mail that message back to the inquirer, but my internet connection keeps saying that my e-mail server is not available. The bottom line is that my Ebay customers might not approve if they knew I was traveling, while my writings may generate interest that could potentially jeopardize my income. So, I advise anyone who posts a blog to keep their privacy and safety in mind. Even my picture is one where I cleaned up nicely, but at work you wouldn't recognize me because I scrape my wild, wild hair back and wear librarian glasses and dress very conservatively. Unless I clean up like that again, you wouldn't recognize me from my picture. As a woman alone in the world I have to take my personal safety seriously. In any case, I have posted recent pictures of my jewelry, and will post other pieces as the mood strikes me.

What I would like to leave with any reader is the idea that they too could develop a business that could sustain them in an alternative lifestyle. I may not be making the kind of money I once did as a consultant, but I practice one important thing that I've learned. Do something you love to do, and do the least amount of work you can get away with to make your passion into something that earns income. I am careful, I don't invest much, and I spend frugally. When I make jewelry I am remaking beautiful pieces from discarded items I find at thrift stores, yard sales, dumpster diving, and flea markets. I reuse everything that I can. My friend Mavis is getting a charm bracelet that is made entirely of her departed mother's trinkets and costume jewelry that she normally wouldn't wear. I'll post a picture of that when we are done adding to it. It is a bracelet that can be worn or displayed as art. See? I'm passionate about it, I love to do it, and it incorporates my desire to recycle and live frugally. It also takes my mind of a dreadful accident case and the legal shenanigans that go along with it.

As my mission in life, it is my intent to pass along the message of simplicity. A single cup on a table that is otherwise empty is more beautiful than a hundred things lining a shelf. A bed with a single blanket is more peaceful than a room decorated by a designer. A blog where I can get it down to a paragraph a day is the desired goal. But, hey! I'm practicing! Rome wasn't built in a day and neither will my new life be built in less time than it will take for me to thunk it all out on my keyboard.

>^;^<

Downsized

As close as I am to feeling that less is more, I realize that I still focus too much on material culture. Admittedly, though I do need certain things in order to be able to forage successfully for my material needs for shelter, clothing, and food, it seems I'm still attached to material things for my enjoyment of life. I think I must like thinking about and planning around "All My Stuff". It's a perpetual soap opera. It jest goes to show you that less is more. My apologies! Trust that I do indeed have far less than I started with seven years ago. And I do focus on a lot of other matters besides things.

I'm at the big trailer doing a load of laundry for myself and my roommate. The Skyler kitty is lovingly placing his paw on my hands as I type. We have been bonding again as I vegetate. It's a heat wave in Missouri, but at least it's a "dry heat". LOL

Mavis and I had visions of enjoying a quiet and peaceful day without any drama, but unfortunately, her son doesn't get it. The baby mama took all four kids for a week last night after the birthday party. He was supposed to go to work today at 11:00 am. At 10:59 am he calls her with a manufactured emergency. He was out of gas and late for work. He had allowed a friend to drive the gas out of the car over the weekend for basically bullshit stuff. The car is not his. The car belongs to Mavis, and she insures it. He lucky to be out of jail and working and enjoying a trailer, electricity, telephone, and cable, plus his rented TV, while he allowed his work schedule to be cut to two days a week. He is about to be fired, we fear. And we don't understand why this idiot decided it is ok to squander OUR resources. She is sick of it and I'm curious why people act like this. She wants to set a boundary, but she is on the bond and there are four grandchildren to be cared for. It would be better for all concerned for her to be the legal guardian of those kids, allowing the parents visitation. This is ridiculous. This latest escapade is merely one in a string of many. He acts like we are being ridiculous. Sheesh!

Nicely Downsized

Life is so much simpler lived downsized. There is a technical name for what I've done, it is called downshifting. I'm a middle-class professional who has made a conscious decision to live a simpler life. There is no upkeep for my "stuff", no upkeep for a fancy car, fancy house, or fancy investments. Basically, my only upkeep is for myself. Today I relaxed outside early this morning with a cup of tea and contemplated for a bit. There was nothing on the "to do" list, other than the impending birthday party for a new nine-year-old.

So I read a book until I felt like taking my shower. Then I dressed all the way down to my shoes and up to my hair and along with a touch of makeup. Then I wrapped the gifts that Marie and I bought for BJ at midnight last night, at the local all-night Wally World. On the way we were in the midst of the state fair traffic letting out and got into a sobriety checkpoint line. We got away ok, but she didn't have her current Geico insurance card. The nice officer let her off with a verbal warning, and we just made sure we came home the back way on the way home. That was the highlight of our day. Two grandmas traipsing to the store at midnight and getting a field sobriety test. That reminded me of the time the old man and I were spooning at Evansburg park in PA and got breathalyzed. I guess it's just me. I attract excitement. >^;^<

Well, we have BJ here with us while his dad and grandpa are cooking and decorating for the birthday party. BJ is getting a Transformers cake and there is a dead carcass cookout going on. So I just ate my tomato salad and a potato and onion stir-fry. I'd take some of the tomato salad, but I doubt it would be appreciated. Marie has been eating my "cooking" for the past month and has lost 10 pounds and is looking more alert and healthy. Oh, Well! I enjoyed the tomato, vidalia onion, walnut, tofu, lemon and avocado salad. My tastebuds were soooooo happy!

When I get back from the party I'm going to spend a relaxing afternoon and evening making and listing jewelry on Ebay, filling and wrapping the orders that came in this morning, and planning for a trip back to Pennsylvania to get the last of my stuff. I should be able to make the trip there and back within three days. I'm not sure how it will work with the mileage. If I can get a one-way from PA, I'll take a bus out and just drive the one way back. It is just so expensive to rent a one-way from anybody.

I'm getting general feedback that the accident case is progressing. With any luck they may offer a settlement before we actually go to trial next year. At this point I don't care as much. Once I decided to just do it and start moving away from the area it seems like things are getting ticked off my list much faster. I have a large collection of miniature items to sell on Ebay, then I'm headed out to get more of the larger items out of storage. Then once I start working somewhere here I'll part with my savings and buy the best cargo van I can get for money. I may be able to buy a nearly new one if I can find a business in distress type of sale. Then I can get the prep work done to make the van liveable.

My list is small and reasonable. I want two vents on the roof, one a solar vent, and the other a wired vent, to maintain ventilation. These will be under a raised area with a plywood cover for added insulation from the sun beating down. On the plywood area I want to have as many solar panels installed as is feasible. Then I want to have as many storage batteries as feasible with the appropriate inverter to charge and run a laptop, hotpot, fans, printer, and lights. I plan to have a trailer that is for storage, plus it will house a generator that I want to plug into the van's system if I am boondocking--I'm thinking about a caged and locked area in front of the trailer, which I've seen before. Heat is the thing I need protection from the most because when it is cold I plan to be in milder temps. I will research and obtain the best air conditioner unit I can find which will be used only when I'm plugged into the grid or am pulling the generator. For cooking I plan to do the same thing I would do when hiking or camping. I usually eat raw foods, but enjoy the occasional soup or stir-fry. That can be down over a hobo stove, outside of my van. If I can run a hot plate or tiny microwave while plugged into the grid, then I will. The hotpot or SmartMug will be fine for tea and instant coffee anytime. I expect that my cooler will need a dollar's worth of ice every other day, if that. I won't be storing meat or dairy products. I'll be keeping drinking water cold, and fresh fruit and vegies cool. So I don't need to carry a refridgerator. For personal hygiene, I'm a tiny gal. I can use a solar shower with a privacy curtain, inside or outside. I will use a child's blowup pool if I'm planted anywhere for any length of time. I have a YMCA membership and I'm looking into getting an annual federal park permit.

I have already obtained my queensize blowup bed. I picked this because it will wedge in nicely in just about any size van, with canvas between the bed and the walls of the van. I don't plan to do much other than insulate the walls appropriately, use the venting and a dehumidifier to cut down on condensation, and hang fabric to make it look like a tent inside. I have plastic drawer systems to bungie cord to the back of the van's seats, as well as a luggable loo for anytime I want to poo in private inside my van. I will also bungie cord two large water bottles to each side of the interior. I have a battery operated pump that fits on five gallon water bottles, for convenience. I also have a solar battery charger, but I need to acquire a stash of rechargable batteries.

So, the downsizing and the planning are well in motion. I just need money to make things happen faster, otherwise it will still happen, just over a longer period of time.

Peace and Quiet

Finally, a break in the madness. I have accomplished about 80% toward my goal of becoming a van dweller. I've downsized significantly and have most of my projects completed. Yesterday I found some bargains while shopping at local thrift stores. We went as far as Waynesville, Missouri, because Mavis had to pick up a free prescription there and we checked out several thrift stores, including Goodwill and Salvation Army. The unnamed thrift stores had the better bargains. I got a relatively modern TV for five dollars, plus about a hundred feet of cable and parts for another dollar. The VCR was ten dollars, and the hot pot for heating water in my room was fifty cents. Brand new! When we got back to Rolla I found a microwave oven on sale for two dollars and fifty cents, which I picked up for Brain, and he needed a small coffee maker which I found for a dollar. I picked up several floor lamps for two dollars each, complete with bulbs that worked. I found a skinny two shelf system to use as a side table beside my twenty dollar blow-up bed. There were other bargains to be found, including a new mop for a buck, a used bucket for a quarter, and a rake for fifty cents. I found new measuring cups, what appeared to be an unused citrus juicer, and a vegetable peeler which I got for another buck for all of them together. Plus a two sets of shelves and a hutch for organizing my desk, altogether for $10. I found nearly new comforters to pad my bed a bit, curtains, and a huge focal pillow that was perfect for lounging with a good book last night. The point of the exercise is that there is no reason to shop in a store without checking out thrift stores first. If I had needed to, I could have furnished an entire three bedroom house for about two hundred dollars. The items I picked up were merely the unused objects discarded by those with debt in the $20,000 range. It just doesn't make any sense, does it? Why go into debt to buy any of it? And most of what I got can be used in a van. Anything else can stay in my little room in a tiny trailer down by the river, where my cats will retire in peace and contentment.

In a few weeks I'll go back to Pennsylvania and get the rest of my stuff out of storage. When I get it all back here I have a small office in the trailer to finish the last of the downsizing and organizing. Half of the 5x5 storage room is filled with family memorabilia and holiday decorations. I plan to scan in all the children's art and writing, pictures, negatives, and etcetera, for creating DVD. That would include pictures of things I'd like to remember, then I can dispose of them. Anything with sentimental value will be dispersed to family. Another quarter of the storage room is filled with items to sell on Ebay. The remainder consists of kitchen items, clothes, personal items, excess toiletries, hiking gear, camping supplies, and other things to just sort through, purge a little, use, and sell as needed. I expect to have all of this completed by the end of September. It's a good thing, too! I'm going to be a grandmother again in March next year. I want to be able to drive up and plug in, to visit and help out.

Today I have several Ebay jewelry orders to fill and wrap, and plan to open a bank account here, at Bank of America. Commerce Bank isn't out this far. I might get the drivers license changed, too. That way when I get back from Pennsylvania I can move my unemployment case out here and start becoming a productive citizen again. I plan to take a minimum wage job and make the extra I'm allowed while on the dole, while I do a really comprehensive career assessment. Heh, heh, heh . . .

What I'd really like to do is play The Sims and vegetate, but that will be more fun later tonight when the TV is hooked up to cable and my beer is nicely chilled. I haven't celebrated in nearly two weeks, so it's time.